Help! The kinfolk are in town

02/04/2009| IslamWeb

By: Michelle Al-Nasr

Are you someone who freaks out when the family drops in at a moments notice, or informs you that they will be camping out in your house for months on end?

It is a time that can really be stressful for everyone, and sometimes it can even cause so much stress that family ties arc broken.

Camping-in kin

The Prophet said: “Allah created the creations, and when He finished from His creations, Ar-Rahim (i.e., the womb) clung to the throne of Allah, said, ‘(O Allah) at this place I seek refuge with You from all those who sever me (i.e. cut off the ties of kith and kin).’ Allah said, ‘Yes, will you not be pleased that I will keep good relation with the one who will keep good relations with you, and I will sever the relation with the one who will sever the relations with you?” [Al-Bukhari]

From the beginning of life, keeping a close-knit family is a major part of our religion. You cannot be a good Muslim and have a bad relationship with family it just doesn't mesh.

So, what to do when in-laws or relatives drop in? First, stay calm. If you have a chance to do so, prepare for them mentally and physically in your home.

You can physically prepare by getting your home ready, making sure they have everything they need. If they are staying overnight, make sure you have items that will make their stay more comfortable including toiletries, clean linens etc.

It is at these times when we need to work on developing a solid relationship of mutual respect and understanding, rather than let our frustrations and stress break the family bond.

Because we want Allah to keep good relations with us, we must keep our family together... even if it means we have to bear it and, in regards to our home or private life, share it.

We need our husbands and our children to see that family is more important than materialism. We need our children to experience a close-knit family. And, if we expect to be treated with kindness when we are old, we had better set the best example in our treatment of’ our own parents and in-laws.

We need to try to set simple boundaries, but also keep the peace by overlooking a lot too. Particularly, if we are dealing with elderly relatives, we should keep in mind that they are pretty much set in their ways. We should respect them for their age and enjoy their company while they are still here with us.

However, setting boundaries of mutual respect can be quite a task, especially when we are dealing with relatives of different cultures, but it is not impossible.

If you do not already understand the same language, learn a few words to smooth the transition keeping in mind that the language barrier is as frustrating fur them as it is for you.

Another strategy is to seek out activities that everyone can enjoy together, such as walking in a park or to an open air market. If you sit and stare at each other or the TV all day, you’ll surely get on each other’s nerves sooner or later. The more activities you find, the happier everyone will be.

Keeping together regardless of religion

Before we talk further about non-Muslim family, read this hadeeth carefully:

Asmaa, the daughter of Abu Bakr, may Allah be pleased with them, had a non-Muslim mother who lived in Makkah. Asmaa had migrated with her father to Madeenah with the rest of Muslims. After the Treat of Hudaibiyah, once peace was established, Asmaa’s mother came to Madeenah for a visit. Her mother demanded gifts and donations from Asmaa. However, Asmaa did not know what to do because she knew that her mother was a polytheist. So, Asmaa went to the Prophet and informed him of her situation. She also asked him if she should maintain the ties of kinship and act kindly towards her mother. The Prophet told her the following: ‘Yes, act kindly with her.’[Al-Bukhari, Muslim and Abu Daawood]

So, even though her mother was a pagan, he told her to be kind plain and simple. He did not tell her to be disrespectful, or to stay away, or that she should cut off the relationship in any way.

The only time we should not listen to a non-Muslim parent is in the following situation, as Allah Almighty has stated in the Quran what means: {But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in (this) world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me (in repentance)...} [Quran 31:15]

The key phrase there is: “accompany them in (this) world’, not abandon them.

Never break the bond

Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that the Prophet said: “A servant shall continue to have his supplications answered so long as he does not supplicate for sin or the severance of kin ship. . .”[Muslim]

There is no doubt about it, breaking the bond of kinship is Haraam. We should never, ever break our relationships with our family Muslim or non Muslim alike.

If you have been told––by anyone––that it is better to cut off relations with your non Muslim relatives you should know that this advice is straight up WRONG!

The only exception would be if you honestly felt you or your family would be actual physical harm because that person is a dangerous individual.

It was not the practice of the Prophet to cut relations with non-Muslim family; in fact, it is just the absolute opposite. When we look at his relationship with his uncle Abu Taalib, we can clearly see that in action. He was close to his uncle until his uncle passed away, and although the Prophet made Du'aa (supplication) for him for years, his uncle never embraced Islam. Allah even informed the Prophet in the Quran, by saying what means: “Indeed (O Muhammad), you do not guide whom you love, but Allah guides whom He wills.” [Quran 28:56]

Even when the non-Muslim family member was outright against Islam, he was still in favor of being kind and keeping the family ties as displayed in the preceding Hadeeth as well as others.

If you ha e broken a family bond, or just not spoken to a relative for a while, it is never too late to reconnect with them. Before you pick up the phone, start with a clean slate and an open heart. Make Du'aa (supplication) to Allah, thanking Him for opening your heart and ask that He also open the heart of your relative and guide him or her to Islam.

Coping and connecting

Getting back to visiting relatives...

It was narrated by Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet said, “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should serve his guest generously; and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should unite the bond of kinship (i.e., keep good relation with his kith and kin); and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should speak what is good or keep quiet.” [Al-Bukhari]

This Hadeeth is one of the best recipes for success in dealing with visiting relatives… whether it is those who drop in unexpectedly or those who stay on extended stopovers:

• Serve them generously.
• Keep good relations.
• Say something nice or keep quiet.

Although, it can be difficult to keep quiet sometimes, always remember that this is family and you need them in your life. Try to be a glass half-full person about it, find the positives and dwell on those aspects instead of mulling over the negatives.

When you feel overly stressed Du'aa (supplication) can, inshaa'Allah, help alleviate anxiety and save you from becoming overwhelmed; use it as your anti stress tool. Make duaa, as often as needed, even if you have to run to the kitchen or your bedroom every 30 minutes... do it!

One duaa that the Prophet said in times of distress was: “O Allah. it is Your Mercy that I beseech, so do not entrust me to myself for even a twinkle of an eve, and correct for me all my affairs, there is no god other than You.”

Finally, keep our eye on the prize. We must keep our family ties to keep our bond with our Creator. And, if you ever feel like you have just had it and can not take anymore remember this hadeeth:

A man said, “Tell me of such a deed as will make me enter Paradise.”

The Prophet said: “Worship Allah and do not ascribe any partners to Him, offer prayer perfectly, pay the Zakah and keep good relations with your kith and kin.” [Al-Bukhari]

The closer you are, inshaa'Allah, the closer you get.